The Mall

 Once in a while, I forget how ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE the mall is. My brain (the eternal traitor) convinces me I really need something only the mall can offer me.

If you go to the mall in my hometown, here are a few things you will find:

1.     An interesting variety of people, including the power-walking elderly and goth teenagers

2.     Mannequins with eyes that follow you like a painting from a Scooby Doo mystery

3.     People with fanny packs

4.     People with mullets

5.     People with mullets and fanny packs

6.     Voldemort behind the Clinique counter

7.     A friendly Asian woman who is ALWAYS cleaning the food court bathrooms, seemingly stuck in The Twilight Zone

8.     Children running amok and smearing their jam covered fingers on your nice sweatpants (children like jam)

9.     Sales people who will ask you multiple times if you want to sample their perfume, and then spray it directly into your face regardless of the answer

10.  SPANX. For women who enjoy feeling like a sausage.

11.  Someone from your past you really didn't want to see...ever

The mall is a cauldron of blatant consumerism and human misery. You can quote me on that.