Some Web Thing

I told my mom an anecdote from my oh-so-exciting week, and she found it amusing. She said, "That should be some web thing!" That was all I needed. If a 50-some-years-young woman thinks that this anecdote needs to be shared with the masses, what more confirmation could I possibly seek?

The other day when I was on my way home from something that was definitely not getting "chicken" nuggets at Wendy's (because I'm still mad at Wendy's for reasons to be discussed in the future), I saw something odd occurring in front of this income tax place. This happens to be the income tax place where they make some sad individual stand out in the elements wearing a bad Statue of Liberty costume and dance around like they are either suffering from a grand mal seizure or have ants (Claudes*, if you will) crawling all over them. They always remind me of the fits of hysterical dancing people used to have in the Middle Ages. (Otherwise known as MPI- mass psychological illness. You're welcome.)

What I saw immediately intrigued me. I saw not one, but two statue mascots standing in front of the crappy cement hut that served as their place of employment (I think the look it was going for was "recently firebombed"). One was a portly fellow with an astonishingly bushy brown beard, and the other was a scrawny youth. The bearded man was upset. He was gesticulating wildly; his green Statue of Liberty costume billowing around him as he waved his arms about, like a chubby green Jesus. The youth just stood there, looking agitated. I wanted to stop my car and watch this most interesting argument, and possibly befriend this bearded chap, but I had to hurry home. Not because my "food" was getting cold.


The horrible realization I came to is that one of these two men would have to resume dancing after this disagreement was over. Imagine having to embarrass yourself and fake joy by dancing after a terrible fight! That is pure torture. 

I can only imagine what they were fighting about. I like to think it was a love triangle gone wrong or perhaps a disagreement about plans for a jewel heist.


*See Attack of the Ants post. Footnotes are so fancy!

James Bond vs. Aliens

(This is from about 6 months ago)

So I went to go see Cowboys & Aliens with my mom last week. Mostly I did this so I could get a free meal; I’m not sure if it was worth the sandwich. Anyway, if you are living in a bubble and haven’t heard of this ridiculously over-advertized movie, it stars James Bond Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford. It also has that square faced queen of sulk, Olivia Wilde, but she basically had one expression throughout the entire movie.

The premise is generally ridiculous: aliens invade the American Wild West, and Daniel Craig has to stop them. He plays an anti-hero of questionable motivations who prevails in the end; I know, so different from his other roles. Harrison Ford’s there too, being a grumpy old man. The only one who really did much acting was Paul Dano, but he was only in like a 4th of the movie.
The most unbelievable part of the movie was the reason why the aliens were scouting the earth for a future attack: they wanted gold. Gold?!? Really! That’s some serious bullshit. Also, the aliens were stupid looking. They looked like the offspring of John Cena and Worm Man from the X-files, dipped in tar. I said that to my mom and she was like, “That’s mean,” because she likes John Cena movies. She told me, “He still does WWW.” I think she meant WWE. It’s all pretty homoerotic, if you ask me. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

I’d show you a picture of Worm Man, but you’d have nightmares for eternity.

Also, why does Harrison Ford think he can still pull off an earring?