Don't try this at home

If you don't know me very well, you probably don't know that I can be exceptionally lazy when it comes to cleaning types of things. Putting away my clothes, for instance. My clothes are stored in a never ending rotation of laundry baskets, despite the fact I have plenty of room to store them elsewhere, in things like "dressers" and "closets". Once in awhile, usually when I've had too many Snapple Peach Teas, I'll actually put all of my clothes away. This is rare, friends, rare. Like Alec Baldwin failing to look at himself as he passes a reflective surface. JK, I don't know Alec that well. We're only acquaintances.

The funny thing is, I actually like buying cleaning products. I do like using them in some situations, like when they dispense the product in fun ways (Magic Erasers) or promise astounding results, like being able to dissolve blood stains in carpet. But eventually, the novelty wears off. This is when the laziness kicks in. And the laziness starts giving me bad ideas... "shortcuts", if you will, to shorten my cleaning time.

Warning: this next tale is one of caution. Never, I repeat, never do this yourself.


So one day, the part of my brain dedicated to laziness and harebrained schemes spoke to me as I was about to take a shower. And suddenly, I had the most marvelous idea! It was genius! What if I cleaned the shower while taking a shower? I love taking long showers anyway (I enjoy luxuriously massaging shampoo into my hair whilst pretending I'm in a shampoo commercial), and this gave me an excuse! I literally congratulated my reflection in the bathroom mirror. "This may be your best work yet!" I said, as we (I?) shared a laugh.

I turned on the water, got into the shower, and everything went fine at first. For some reason distinctly lacking in foresight, I decided to do the cleaning part first. I distributed the mildly toxic cleaning agent using a fun and convenient spray bottle, ignoring the warning labels. Labels that warn you not to get the cleaner on your skin or it will eat through your epidermis like me shoveling down Craisins while watching a TCM mystery movie marathon. I then proceeded to clean my shower with a cloth while singing the chimney sweep song from "Mary Poppins".

This is when problems started to arise. I began my regular showerly (?) activities, like making designs in shaving cream, when I noticed a slight burning sensation in my eyes. I began to think this idea was not as superb as I had originally thought. But there was no turning back! I was committed! The burning steadily got worse. Now my skin was tingling- and not in a pleasant sort of way. But I persevered- through shampoo and conditioner, through facial scrub and body wash- as the cloud of Clorox swirled around me. I was a martyr for my cause. The cause of laziness.

By the time I got out of the shower, or as I fondly to call it, "The Clorox Sauna", my skin had turned a faint red hue. Tears were streaming out of my eyes. I washed my face the best I could in the sink, went to my room and curled up into the fetal position on my bed. The events of the rest of the day are hazy (thankfully it was the weekend and I had nothing to do), but I think I spent most of it in my bath robe listening to Iron and Wine while eating Froot Loops out of the box and feeling sorry for myself. My eyes continued to burn for the entire day.


I feel like there was some kind of lesson to be learned from this, but I can't quite figure out what it might be. That's probably why I do stuff like this relatively frequently.